


InterCourse

by storyplease



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, Sex Education
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 12:39:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3650664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storyplease/pseuds/storyplease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is based off of a writing prompt I saw on Reddit- Hogwarts holds mandatory sex education class with Ministry approved curriculum. Prof. McGonagall will teach the girls. Prof. Snape will teach the boys. I’m going to assume this is AU, and not canon-compliant.  I’m going to play around with this for fun because I thought this would be an interesting premise.  Sex ed stuff will be talked about in this story, but there will be no actual sex in this story, at least not for now...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Proclamation

The decree was written on a massive piece of parchment and hung on the stone wall across from the Great Hall.  No one, not even Filch, had seen who had delivered it, and a particularly onerous Sticking Charm had been applied to the four corners of the proclamation.  In large, feminine script, the decree read as follows:

OFFICIAL PROCLAMATION FROM THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC

WHEREAS all students of HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY must be taught a full and complete education to better their position in the Wizarding World, so does the Ministry of Magic: Health and Hearth Division decree that education on approved lessons detailing the location of secondary sex characteristics and proper usage of said physical differences in promoting a healthy and thriving wizarding population will heretofore be held in a special five-class series held for the next school week.  First period classes will be postponed until the series has completed.  All sixth year female students will report to classroom 35 on the third floor, while sixth year male students will report to classroom 42 on the fourth floor.  Failure to complete these classes adequately will result in suspension from normal classes until a “pass” has been acquired.

Proclaimed, this Fourth of November by Dolores Jane Umbridge, Head Witch Presiding, Health and Hearth Division, and approved by current Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge and witnessed by his two under-secretaries Fabian Nartwel and Priscilla Whatchi.

Several signatures in a golden ink glittered underneath, including a large and distinctively flowery signature that had obviously been penned by the most hated woman in Hogwart’s history in a disgusting bright pink. A giant, thick wax seal the size of a dinner plate was affixed to the bottom of the page with the Ministry’s mark upon it.

“There is no way that the Headmaster is going to stand for this!” Hermione fumed, stamping her foot as Harry and Ron stared slack-jawed at the massive paper.

“My grandmother sent me an owl warning me that they passed this proclamation in the dead of night!” Neville said worriedly, petting his toad as though Trevor was the one who would be attending the classes and not himself.

“There’s no way that’s legal!” Hermione seethed furiously, her face turning a bright red.

“Typical muggle blustering!” scoffed a voice behind her and she turned to see Draco leaning against the far wall, his arms crossed as his lackeys milled about him menacingly, “I thought you were the one who goes into joyful conniptions the second you get extra coursework!”

“We’ll see how cocky you are when you actually have to take that class, Mr. I-can’t-even-get-a-passing-score-on-my-Transfiguration-O.W.L.s!” Ginny jeered, coming up behind Hermione and placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Hermione smiled weakly, but her hair seemed to crackle with electricity as stray magical power coursed off of her skin.

“Yeah,” Dean Thomas said in his rich baritone voice, his hand in Ginny’s, “I can imagine Draco’s mommy and daddy telling him all about how little wizards are made.  Do you still think they grow in a pumpkin patch or do you believe the one about the Zarphos Bird that brings bundles of newborns from its magical house in the sky?"

Seamus laughed and gave Dean a high five and then went back to sleepily rubbing his eyes, ducking into the Great Hall for some caffeine.  

“The Zarphos Bird is real,” Luna had appeared from seemingly nowhere, wearing long dangly earrings that almost touched the floor, “But it doesn’t bring children.  It eats them.  They have a terrible time with them nesting in the cliffs on the coasts of Ireland.”

Draco’s face had turned a funny shade of purple, and his ears appeared to be about to let off steam.

“Oh no! Better get out of here before Malfoy’s big, fat head explodes!” Ron said impishly, making an explosive gesture with his hands as Harry snickered.

But before Crabbe and Goyle could start punching people, a magically amplified voice called all of the students into the Great Hall and everyone hastily made their way to their proper table.

* * *

“Thank you all for arriving so promptly,” Albus Dumbledore stood behind his podium, looking every bit as ancient and kindly as ever, “As many of you may have noticed, a new proclamation has added a new course to our school for our sixth year students.  Current seventh year students will be exempt from this class, as many are taking on internships and other coursework that will help them to secure a career post-Hogwarts.”

He paused to let his words sink in. Many of the seventh years looked markedly relieved, and there were a number of snide comments and groans from sixth year students who had just visualized the mental image of an extra class’s worth of work.

Raising his hands to calm the buzz of chatter in the Great Hall, Dumbledore continued, “For our younger students, you too will have these classes to look forward to once you reach your sixth year, so please do listen up.  Classes will start this Monday.  Many of you are familiar with the two teachers who have been so gracious as to accommodate our new requirement.  For our male students, our very own Professor Snape will be covering the class, as he is familiar with many of the potions involved in the coursework.”

Harry and Ron, as well as a number of other male Gryffindor students groaned loudly at the announcement, and the surly, tall professor’s black eyes glowered menacingly from atop his hooked, beak-like nose as he stood and made the tiniest of nods to acknowledge the Headmaster’s announcement before sitting down again and doing a well-practiced job of ignoring everyone in the room.

“Thank you, Severus,” Dumbledore said mildly, “And as for the female students, our esteemed Professor McGonagall will be teaching your class.  Minerva? I believe you had a couple of words you’d like to say?”

With a ruffling of robes, Professor McGonagall stood up, her glasses flaring slightly in the torchlight as she turned to address the students.

“As you are aware,” she said precisely, her mouth fixed in a sour looking grimace, “Certain Ministry Officials have seen fit to attempt to push their backwards agendas on our esteemed students and faculty yet again, I will do my utmost to ensure that our students receive a balanced and fair education in this particular subject, even though I shall be _forced_ to use a particularly abhorrent text."

Her piece said, she sat down primly, her back as rigid and straight as a yardstick.

“Thank you, Minerva,” Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled as though he were hearing the punchline to a particularly amusing joke, “Now remember, sixth year students, first thing Monday morning, you will be reporting to your respective room for your week of classes.  I know that you will learn many things, but first and foremost, I ask you to think for yourselves and take what tools you can from your lessons and your esteemed professors’ tutelage.”

With that, the hall erupted in a roar of heated conversation and hushed giggles as everyone speculated exactly what would be taught in the classes, and a number of seventh years were ribbed good-naturedly for being allowed to miss what was sure to be yet another of Umbridge’s unholy methods of torture, albeit one that did not require her actual presence on campus, which was a marked improvement as far as all were concerned.  Still, plenty of sixth years felt sick in the pits of their stomachs, especially the Gryffindor boys, and super especially Neville, who went a distinct shade of green in the face when it was announced who would be teaching the boys’ class and was unable to eat even a bite of breakfast.  But all were agreed upon one thing; Monday couldn’t come soon enough, even if it was simply to get it over with more quickly.


	2. Monday Morning with Professor McGonagall

“Take your places, please!” Professor McGonagall said clearly as everyone filed into the classroom and within minutes everyone was quietly waiting to hear what she had to say. In Transfiguration, Professor McGonagall was known as a strict but fair teacher. She had clear expectations and did not tolerate goofing off but she was very accommodating to the needs of her students.

As usual, Hermione was sitting up at the front of the classroom, Ginny sitting behind her, looking slightly flushed and dazed from a last minute snog-session with Dean before class. Luna sat down next to Hermione, waving vaguely before her eye was caught by something that only she seemed able to see and she rifled through her bag for a small spyglass, peering curiously through it and making noises as though in confirmation of her suspicions. Pansy Parkinson sat in the back of the class next to a couple of other Slytherin girls who Hermione did not know by name, but they both seemed to be giving her the cold shoulder for some reason and for the first time, Pansy looked like the outsider instead of the mean, haughty girl who acted like some kind of ice queen.

The Hufflepuff students all seemed to sit in a clump near one another, and Cho Chang ended up running in only a couple moments late, taking the chair next to Ginny, catching her breath ungracefully.

“I’m sorry, Professor,” Cho said breathlessly as she held her side, “I thought that I was supposed to be in classroom 53, not 35, so I had to run back down and the moving staircases didn’t make it easy on me.” 

“Some Ravenclaw you are, making such a simple mistake,” Pansy sneered from the back loud enough for Cho to turn her head and glare, and Ginny glared in solidarity at the dark haired girl in the back who was sitting with her legs crossed and her skirt hitched up quite a bit higher than was proper.

“That is quite enough!” McGonagall said testily, “It’s already bad enough that I have to teach this...drivel...but to have to listen to a bunch of catty backsass this early in the morning is simply too much! Five points from Slytherin, Parkinson. I should hope that this will inspire you to pay extra attention in class so that you can win those points back by the end of class.”

Pansy went white with shock and the other Slytherin girls scooted a bit further from her to distance themselves, all the while shooting evil looks at her.

McGonagall waved her wand and the top flew off of the box that was sitting on her desk, a flood of gauche pink booklets floating out and placing themselves in front of each student.

Hermione took a look at the front of the booklet and frowned. She raised her hand and McGonagall’s eyebrows raised incredulously.

“Yes, Miss Granger?” she said evenly.

“Professor, I am not intending to be rude when I say this,” Hermione started, her voice perplexed, “But isn’t this supposed to be a class to educate us about our bodies and... _other stuff_ in that vein, not thinly veiled propaganda?”

The other students hastily looked down at their own copies of the pamphlet. There was a cartoon image of a very young looking witch holding a baby wearing a tall, triangular hat on the front. Both were smiling. The text read “Doing Your Part To Keep The Wizarding World Population Strong” and a subtitle read “We need YOU to raise the next generation!”

McGonagall smiled in a pinched manner and her back became more rigid than before as she looked out at her students.

“Girls,” she said sternly, “We are fighting a war. The ministry thinks that the only thing young women are good for are finding suitable mates and starting families as soon as possible so that we can increase the population of magical folk.”

She looked pointedly at Ginny, who blushed even more deeply.

“While larger families can be a blessing, it is not the only route available to a clever and talented young witch,” she continued, holding the pamphlet with her thumb and forefinger as though it were a bag of dog droppings, “Here at Hogwarts, there are special charms in place to prevent... _problems_ of this particular nature.”

Hermione’s hand went up as rigid as if she were Petrified and McGonagall nodded at her.

“I read about that in _Hogwarts: A History_!” Hermione said excitedly, “There are special charms and wards on the grounds of the school to prevent diseases from being transmitted between students as well as….er...well...stopping accidental pregnancies.”

“This is correct, Miss Granger. Five points to Gryffindor. Now obviously, the school’s official line is that we do not want to see any student _shenanigans_ until after the students are of age and preferably after graduation,” McGonagall said seriously, pacing at the front of the classroom, “In fact, the Ministry would have you believe that you must get married to someone of a similar blood status as yourself before having any relations whatsoever with your prospective husband and begin having children within the first year of marriage. I am here to inform you that this is, in fact, utter bollocks.”

A couple girls tittered at McGonagall’s usage of the expletive, but most of them stared wide-eyed at the stern visage of their professor as she strode back and forth, looking at each girl dead in the eye with a look so fierce that many were taken aback by it.

“There are plenty of things that a witch can do without having to settle down with the first wizard that stirs her fancy!” she snapped irritably, “I myself traveled the world for a time and did many interesting things before I came to teach here at Hogwarts! And I did not get married until much later on in my life. I decided that having children of my own was not for me, either. There are many ways to choose to live your life, and none of them are better than the others. Still! This Ministry-Approved trash acts as though there is only one sort of way to do all of this! For example, what about witches who love other witches? One of my very good friends, Hapshehtet, has been with her partner Elise happily for many years. There are witches who desire no romantic relationship whatsoever, and plenty of witches for whom a career is more desirable than the heat of the hearth. And there are plenty of ways to balance multiple types of lives!”

Cho’s hand rose and McGonagall roused herself from her tirade.

“Yes, Miss Chang?”

“My mother told me that there has been talk of instituting a marriage law and two-child minimum policy for all girls over 17,” Cho said, her face visibly unnerved by the thought.

“This is true, but there has been plenty of opposition,” McGonagall said reassuringly, “Dumbledore as well as myself and many of our fellow Hogwarts professors have made it known that we disagree very strongly with the idea of forcing people into legally binding contracts and the responsibility of parenthood against their will.”

“Professor?” Luna said, raising her hand with her pamphlet still in it.

“Yes, Luna?”

“I was wondering why there is a page here with big red X’s next to various magical creatures?”

The other students flipped to the second page. There was an outline of a human male with traditional wizarding garb on with a big green circle around him, while a bunch of shadowy outlines of various other beings, including centaurs, giants, goblins, house elves, werewolves and muggles (which were represented by a shape that looked more like a caveman than a human being), all with bright red X’s over them. The centaurs actually had three red X's, and Hermione smiled evilly as though she were privy to a secret joke.

“I think the centaurs are quite nice,” Luna continued dreamily, “They always provide me with insight about the bigger picture whenever I meet one in the woods on my hunt for Nargles. Though I don’t know if I would ever marry one. A centaur, I mean. Nargles are obviously quite unattractive.”

“Yes, well,” McGonagall looked uncomfortable, “It isn’t that it is wrong to...consort...with other sapient magical beings. It is your choice. Unfortunately, though, this pamphlet does show that you can and will encounter discrimination if you do decide to follow your heart with an unconventional mate.”

“Excuse me, professor?” the voice came from the back of the class from a blonde Slytherin girl with short pigtails on either side of her head.

“Yes...um…?”

“I’m Pauline, Pauline Nafferty,” the girl said evenly, “And I just wanted to ask- can you go into some of the specifics of sexual intercourse and what we can do to protect ourselves? I have read about the muggle options that are available, after all I do have an older sister, but what about here?”

“Very good question, Pauline,” McGonagall said simply, “Five points to Slytherin. Let’s start out with defining what sex is. Does anyone want to hazard a guess?”

She was met with an embarrassed silence, as even Hermione was beet red thinking about how to go about answering that question.

By the end of their first class, they had learned about oral, anal, vaginal and digital manipulation. McGonagall also briefly mentioned lubricants, what sorts of things to avoid using as sex toys (anything porous) and answered questions about masturbation from a couple red faced Hufflepuffs, even as there was plenty of furious note taking by the rest of the class.

Finally, they discussed consent and the idea that no one owes sexual interaction with anyone else for any reason.

"Be sure to remember this if you are feeling pressure from anyone to do something you are not comfortable with doing," the Professor said authoritatively, "But that also means that you shouldn't be pressuring others either. We all have our own pace and our own needs. I shouldn't have to tell you this, but I will be perfectly clear: your body belongs to you, no matter what the Ministry says. So do not fear advocating for yourself. And if you need anything, do not hesitate to contact myself, Madame Pomfrey or Professor Sprout."

As they reached the end of class, McGonagall assigned a five inch essay on "what consent means to you" before dismissing them.

On the way out, Hermione caught Ginny's arm.

"Let's see how well the boys fared in their first class! I want to compare notes!" she said excitedly. Ginny gave her a dubious look, but allowed herself to be dragged along by the sleeve of her robes as the two girls walked briskly toward the stairs to the fourth floor.


	3. Sex-Ed With Snape

"I don't know if I can do this," Neville said glumly, sitting in the farthest seat from the front of the classroom. Harry and Ron sat in the second-to-last row, in front of their friend, and Ron turned with a sly look in his eye.

"Don't worry, Neville," he said, grinning goodnaturedly, "I happen to have a couple of those Stink Bug Bombs that I confiscated from a second year the other day. If things get out of hand, I imagine that even the Greasy Git won't force us to be in a class that smells like..well...a word that rhymes with 'class.'"

Harry, Seamus and Dean laughed loudly and even Neville cracked a slight smile at Ron's insinuation.

As the last couple of students trickled into the classroom, the air seemed to get colder. Without warning, a door near the front of the class banged open and the black-clad Defense Professor strode out, looking as menacing and sour as ever.

He turned to the class before him and motioned with his hand, slamming the door at the back of the room. A lock clicked into place and he sneered as he swept up to the podium, daring the students to say anything. The dead silence that greeted him seemed to satisfy him, and he cleared his throat.

"I have been tasked with the odious chore of educating you on matters of... _human reproduction_ ," Snape drawled, his sharp eyes daring anyone to snicker.

"Sir?" Draco simpered from the front and center.

"You have a question?"

"My father says that the Ministry will only be approving marriages of like-blood matches," he said haughtily.

"That is not a question, Mr. Malfoy," Snape replied darkly, "And before you start speaking of marriage, you might consider learning a modicum of self control. I trust that you will not need to be reminded again."

The boy shrank back in his seat as though he had been slapped and Harry couldn't help but grin at Malfoy's reaction.

"You find my class funny, Potter? Well maybe you'll find losing ten points from Gryffindor as funny as I do," Snape said harshly, "Now let us begin, or I shall have to hold you back through part of the lunch hour."

He pulled his wand and distributed the Ministry pamphlets, which were blue and featured a drawing of a wizard in work robes on the front waving to a witch holding a baby, with a small child half hiding behind her apron. The wizard appeared to be, ostensibly, on his way to his job. "Only YOU Can Ensure the Endurance of the Wizarding World" read the title.

Harry and Ron exchanged dubious looks, but they weren't the only ones.

The inside of the pamphlet had a number of euphemisms for male body parts and focused on stressing virginity until marriage to a like-blooded witch.

There was even a page with word problems on it. The instructions were to match like witches with their proper wizard companions, so that pure and half-blooded lines would endure.

Even Snape looked at the pamphlet as though he were contemplating setting it on fire.

He cleared his throat.

"Because I do not wish to have to brew certain types of potions for Madame Pomfrey, I suppose I should present the facts to the best of my ability. As you are all obviously adept at jerking off from the amount of time you appear to spend doing so instead of completing your homework assignments, and you no doubt understand that Tab A may be inserted into Slots B, C and D, I shall go right into various types of horrific diseases and the potions used to cure or treat them. I do not wish to repeat myself, so if you would like to make sure that your first intimate encounter does not end with a green, dismembered member, I suggest you write with haste."

There was no time for the students to say much or even react to the embarrassing terms used by the sour-faced professor as he went through a terrifying list of diseases and their symptoms for the rest of class. Neville wasn't the only one who looked distinctly ill by the time Snape dismissed them with a two foot essay on venereal diseases due the next morning.

"Out!" Snape bellowed, when it seemed that a couple brave students were attempting to ask additional questions.

And with that, he cleared the notes from the board with a flick of his wand and stormed furiously out the side door with a crash. 

"Ugh! If that is what I have to look forward to, I never want to snog a girl!" Ron said shrilly as they escaped the classroom.

"I'll take my chances," Dean said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively as Ginny and Hermione met them at the end of the hall near the stairs.

"Hi, Ron!" Hermione said brightly, "I want to know if---"

"Stay away! " Ron cried, his face as white as a sheet, "There is no way I'm going to risk having my...Little Ron...rot right off my body!"

And with that, he ran past them and down the stairs in a panic. 

"Do I even want to know?" Hermione said crossly, furrowing her brow and crossing her arms.

"I can't believe he calls it _Little Ron_ ," Neville said incredulously, and Harry just shook his head.

"I wouldn't put too much stock in what Snape says in class," Ginny said reproachfully, "It's fairly obvious to most anyone that he has absolutely no personal experience in the subject, after all. I would expect that my father would be a far better expert on the subject of he weren't so obsessed with daft muggle contraceptive technology I mean, have you ever seen muggle condoms? Imagine placing a balloon on your willy and hoping for the best! No wonder muggles are everywhere!"

Everyone, even a couple of passing Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students had a hearty laugh at this, and with that, everyone went back to the Great Hall to eat their lunch and compare notes, glad to be free of the embarrassing subject matter...for the moment.


End file.
